The following statements are 99% satirical. Reader discretion is advised.
Microsoft and EA are both juggernauts in the gaming industry. But you didn’t come here to hear that. You already know how these companies have been moving our beloved industry to new heights. But what if these two legends merged? Some rumours suggest that this may be legit. Whether it will actually happen is anyone’s guess. But imagine the new possibilities that will open up for Microsoft and EA.
Obviously there’s a lot of business and legal stuff that happens behind the scenes. But you don’t care about that. You want to know how all of your favourite gaming franchises, such as FIFA and Halo, will change. Well, don’t worry, I got you covered.
FIFA is the big one. Lord Phil will address the media. He will be wearing a Manchester United jersey, with the #1 on the back. FIFA 19 will be an Xbox One exclusive. It was a long time coming, but finally, the Xbox gets its first TRUE exclusive. To celebrate, Lord Phil will announce a brand new feature. A team comprised of your favourite Xbox characters. Master Chief, Cuphead guy, Mugman, Steve from Minecraft and more. Unfortunately, there aren’t enough characters to make a full squad of 16.
The elusive Star Wars license will finally return home to Microsoft, where it belongs. What will they do with this unbridled money-making power? That’s easy. Xbox exclusive DLC for Kingdom Hearts 3. Finally, a good reason to put Kingdom Hearts 3 on Xbox. Sith Lord Jar Jar Binks will be a secret boss in KH3, in place of Sephiroth. No one likes that edgelord villain anyway. And if Sora defeats Jar Jar, he will receive a green lightsaber. Personally, this is what I’m most excited for. I’ve wanted Star Wars in Kingdom Hearts 3 since 1993. Speaking of which, finally Square Enix is going to make Kingdom Hearts 3. It’s been like 30 years. About time, right?
I know a lot of people complain about the lack of 1st party software on Xbox. Well, buying EA will fix that problem. Why make new and compelling games, when you can just buy them? It worked when they bought Rare. So I believe this new combination, EA Box, will be a great success.
Xbox fans can looks forward to some great exclusive content. To complement FIFA 19, Madden 19 will also be available for fans of Microsoft Box. And in a surprise move, FIFA and Madden will use the same servers. Now you can fight with your friends to decide which one is the real football. In 4K graphics! Wow.
The fun doesn’t end there. The upcoming Battlefield game? It’s just a codename for Halo 6: Field of Battle. This brand-new first person shooter will feature a 2-hour campaign, a first for the genre. The focus will be on multiplayer action. There won’t be any loot boxes, so you won’t have to boycott it. You should buy this game, otherwise Microsoft will shut down DICE. You don’t want that do you?
Anthem is the big one. Some of my friends are very concerned about this game. Is it going to be a rehash of Destiny 2? Well, put away all of your concerns. This game will be exactly like Destiny 2. Nothing to worry about here. Anthem will win game of the year, for the next ten years. Because that’s how long it will last. Just like Destiny.
Now to discuss the most controversial part of this merger. The servers for all EA games on non-Microsoft platforms will be shut down, effective immediately. No more Star Wars Battlefront II and FIFA 18 on PS4. Truly, it will be a sad day for over 70 million PS4 owners. All they have to play is Ni No Kuni 2, God of War, Last of Us 2, Spiderman and Days Gone. Poor PS4 owners.
That’s all we have time for today. I know some of you are wondering what will happen to EA’s charismatic CEO, Andrew Wilson. Hopefully, he’s still at E3 this year, as it will be dreadful without him. It’s not like Sony is going to hire Zac Efron and Snoop Dogg to play video games. Without Andrew Wilson, all is lost. By the way, did you know that he is Australian?
For more updates on this wonderful industry, keep it locked to Mammoth Gamers!